Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Do you ever

Feel like you are two different versions of you at the same time? I finally joined Facebook and am now finding all my old friends from High School. Friends who didn't know the real me because I was so messed up from being put into foster care, and was still getting messed up thanks to my aunt's roomate. I was still sorting myself out way into college even! (Some would say that I am still trying to untangle myself) But seeing all their pictures, I am suddenly thrust back into the halls of Sweet Home, feeling so confused about life, boys, and just trying to keep everyone from guessing what was really going on at home. I kept myself so busy so that I wouldn't have to deal with my home life. But at the same time, I was alone with all these things, and no one to really spill it out on.
Then Gabby walks in and I am right back to the present, a long road that has led me to OH, to my lovely sorority sisters, with my family, dance, my husband, and my current mindsets. It is a very disturbing feeling because I really do feel as if I am in two places at once.
So much has happened in almost ten years since high school graduation. I have lost friends to diseases that weren't supposed to touch people our age, went under the knife myself. I have gained so much but at the same time have had to come to terms with the things that I will never have because those things cannot be bought or even earned. I have lost my art many times and each time somehow found my way back to it. I have the unconditional love of the best daughter's a woman could ask for. And have two wonderful friends that would be there anytime, anyplace, for no reason at all.
Sigh... high school seems so long ago. Such confusing, fun, and humiliating times all at once. There are definitely things best forgotten and I wonder how my friends view of me would change if they knew why I was the way I was? Interesting huh?
Oh well... a wise old turtle once said, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that is why it is called the present". (Gotta love Kung Fu Panda!!!)
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